So many interesting things in life but none of them interests me

1. Try to write on a forum that may be anyone can pull me up again 
2. 

   RiunaNew Member

   Im on my last semester, and im always on my last semester. what remains to finish is a recital and my thesis. I feel so tired doing things I dont like, which is my music composition the recital. It is just a music composition is something that has to be honest from the person itself, but my lecturer keeps forcing me to do things that doesnt make sense, and i dont really like it. Im an idealist. Its really hard to force myself to do this non sense, so i keep procrastinating. My family, no one understands. They just keep asking when will i graduate and compare me to other people. I feel like im being pressurized from every side. I m so pissed and envy seeing other people happiness, I just hope everyone can feel what Im feeling. I want to escape from this world and start a new life or if there s no way to escape I want to end this kind of life im so tired

I am Sorry

I think i ve hurt your feelings. Again im sorry for being selfish and angry and emotionally unstable. I cant stop saying sorry either i dont know what else to do. I want to be calm i want to be happy again but as i wake up and i do it , it gets more scarier everyday. I laughed at her for being so childish and gets angry easily. Now it feels like i should ve been laughing at myself for being the same too. Im just too scared and im always scared. I tried to be strong i tried. There are some times i need to let it go and i guess this is the time. I didnt mean to bring you with me at the time like this i should ve left. I want people i love the most to be happy around me. I dont want to involve them in any of my problems. I know we cant do things by ourselves but i will try as hard as possible until i ve reached the limit n then i ll be asking for help. u knew this part of me. But again maybe you were confused on which level my instability is. I know my own problem for keeping everything myself and then release it. I know im actually weak but i dont want to be. U can say i have maybe a mental disorder or inferiority complex or whatever. That is why i felt very worth it when im with you that i never actually realised i worth something to anyone. I m just sad. im really sad. Im sorry 

Dear, you

I ve been keeping things from you. But I can't let it out. Yet. It is because im still afraid of what happened before. Was i too fast to confess or those people were just playing around with feelings?  
People can say im aggresive. It is just the willing to tell someone I like directly which is too strong. Sadly it's all because the general thoughts on which the girls wait, the guys approach. It definitely doesnt apply to me. I think i have rights too, the rights to tell, no matter how the responds will be.

Seeing you, the fool you, you dont even feel it. I ve been giving you over and over, but it was like something u dont even care or it was just passing through your sight and gone whereas i hope that you look more thoroughly. I can understand. However,  it is me, the girl who cant wait for too long and need some progress. I wonder why i cant be more patient about this.

So i ll be saying everything in here. You should know what i have been doing on that app. I thought i could find someone, because i cant find it around me so i tried online. I wasnt looking for friends, because i can get friends easily around. Why try so hard to find it online? And if it ever crossed your mind, have u ever wonder, why do i keep our contact? If it wasnt for digging you up, what else?

Damn it Clem.

I know I have been having this mood swing. My thoughts cant stop running.  And this song cant stop touching my heart and it always reminds me of you. No matter what you re doing now, ignoring me this way. I dont know what you want. Suddenly you just dissapear. I know i ve been lazy and bored too. I just get bored of  talking via social media. I need a progress. But it doesnt mean i want to stop talking. Even though we met online, it doesnt mean im not real. Im a human being. I have feelings. I can be ignorance sometimes. But right now, im thinking why . I ve ever said. You re not just some people. You re someone whom i ve ever had feelings for.

Do the other boys like this? I dont make friends good from reality.  I make friends online better. Does it mean all this time i ve been making friends is a fake friendship? or fake reality ? We cant meet face to face, that s the use of social media, to keep someone in touch. You re not trying to, not anymore.

You suck clem. You re a coward. Be grateful that i had feelings for you and you re playing with it. Damn it. This is just the remain

Goodbye. Hello

I felt nothing since u didn't talk to me. It was all of sudden. U said u were busy, but no matter how busy u were u always tried to contact me at least once a day.I know we never made it. I know i was rushing. I guess this is all because i have been single for years, and i live around friends who already have someone by their side. It s not just friends. everyday, everywhere, PDA, couples and i always wonder how it feels to have someone who actually loves you. It is weird. I never felt it. It looks like adding someone else to your life. Your life getting heavier but sometimes it is sweet. I have been borrowing my friends' ear to listen to my confusion about relationship. How can somebody living with someone else forever.

JC.I know you re a coward. Your words are sweet. It was great. But it was the same level as what i m thinking so, .. i realise i need someone more mature. Who thinks beyond what i think.

It is a Lucky Coincidence.

Meeting you through that game online? It is so funny i guess. I thought that game is only for junior high schoolers who are still confused about boyfriend/girlfriend stuffs, or for some grown ups who don't have other things to do beside playing online games, or for some gamers who are currently looking for their partner , or just gamers. For me, i'm just a bored person who is looking for someone new through the game with a hope that i can finally find someone i can have crush with, because i found none in my campus and i got super bored. I needed some new feelings.  

First thing to do was opening that online game, and find any room. With no single thought i got into one room where there are two people waiting for the girls to fill up the slots. That person whispered me. We started to know each other. He was a very good listener at first. He always remember to everything i ever told him. He cares about me. He ever woke me up at 3 because i was having an appointment at 4 a.m. I was surprised that he called me in that morning, with very calm voice. I'm sensitive to voices and i love warm voice. His voice is very warm and calming, compared to my own who always shouts. We talked via chat for two months until we finally meet face to face. 

After the meetup, I have a thought that, this is actually the first time i met person online face to face and i wasnt dissapointed. Even i think i actually fell in love with him, although i'm still searching for more facts about him. I want to see how he acts with his other friends, because i know he actually talks a lot with his close friends. Also i want to see how he acts towards his own parents. 

His talks are super good. It's not  mere advices, they are really helping. This is how i value a person, through their talks, their attitudes, their acts, etc and i felt no doubt on the day i met him, he is nearly perfect. 

Yes , i admit it now, i fell in love with him. I really had a lot to say, but we live apart from each other, and we cant do anything about it. I'm super glad. I'm really grateful that i met someone who's i ve known for two months and still there is no doubt.

After all the Moods ..

It has been two months since i knew him from the online game. We've been planning to meet up today, on this date, 20th Sept 2014. I ve been through so many thoughts about him and so many other thoughts about other guys. I'm super easy to be influenced. My mind is going round and round , and I ever had a thought about cancelling this meetup because i was having other thoughts about something else and i don't think this meet up is important anymore. But i ever had a super curiousity about meeting this guy, especially when i play the game and having chats with him. He always been so flirty that i couldnt believe him that he actually likes me just from the way we talk from social media.

So I will mention just the initial. He is C. C has a sad background of his family, but i know he is a great man from the way he talks to me about the story of his family. The most important is now he is struggling to make his parents proud of him. Ever since something bad happens to his family, he was kinda motivated to have a good score on his studies even though he was actually a lazy kind of person. He is super calm. He sings to me sometimes. The first time i heard his voice, it is super calm. Honestly, it calms my heart as well. Whenever im trying to sleep, i always listen to the recording of his voice. When i was having a mentor job, I needed to wake up at 3. He called me so that he could wake me up. Listening to his voice in the morning feels like the day will be good. Compared to my own voice who 's always seems excited, he really talks super calm. When i had a rough day and i told him that i may not be able to do it, he is really trying to say that i can actually do it. He tried to be the one i want to be with. But everything i considered him as being flirty. Nothing so serious.

The day came, today is 20th Sept 2014, and last night i was having night out after my cousin's wedding party. It was the first time i went to a club and i was reaaaaaally excited. I met some of my cousin's friends and we were drinking and dancing. In the morning i had a thought about some of the guys i met at the club. I thought it was a crush and i have moved on. I wanted to cancel the meetup, and i was scared of my family dissapprove of him.  I tried to warn him about the rain, and i thought i wouldnt be able to meet him 

But that thoughts and temptations dissappeared after he actually came all the way, with that one hour journey in his motorcycles. He actually came and joined all of my family. I introduced him to everyone i met, because im going with a big family from my dad and my mom's , even my grandparents are here. It's weird i know, this is the first time we met and I already introduced him to the whole family. Actually i really want to give him a moment of a big family, since he hasnt got one since that happened. All went good. First he came and i already brought him to the room, to sit and eat some snacks, had a little talk with my brother who is the most talkative and welcome among the other family members. But everytime introduced him to anybody in here, it all just went well. The only thing funny is he is REALLY NERVOUS. He always seems panic. I saw his movement it is really seen that he is uncomfortable. He is scared. I havent known the feeling yet, but this is the feeling of meeting someone for the first time not only meeting her, but the whole big family. We had a karaoke with my brother, we sang together, because that's what he wanted, to have a duet with me. Then we had a dinner, again, together with my aunts and uncles, my bro, and everyone. He fits in though. After dinner he played the billiard with my dad, bro and uncle. Everything went very well. But what i m actually thinking now, tomorrow there will be thousand questions asked from the family to me. The only one i can be honest to is my brother, because he is the one most understanding. Before he went home, i thought he was going to confess, but it was just a hope. It didnt happen, im not dissapointed because there is this single feeling came out after i kissed his cheek. This is a debt that i ve promised him. I felt like, warm. I felt warm around him, and i wish i can meet him again someday. 

There are so many things i want to do, but since we are no one to each other, we re just friends, i just have no rights to do all those stuffs, especially there are the whole family in here. I want to hold his hands. I want to hug him. I want to say that i love him. I want to take care of him. I just can't say them yet. I dont want to be aggressive anymore. So now what? I dont know yet.