Dear, you

I ve been keeping things from you. But I can't let it out. Yet. It is because im still afraid of what happened before. Was i too fast to confess or those people were just playing around with feelings?  
People can say im aggresive. It is just the willing to tell someone I like directly which is too strong. Sadly it's all because the general thoughts on which the girls wait, the guys approach. It definitely doesnt apply to me. I think i have rights too, the rights to tell, no matter how the responds will be.

Seeing you, the fool you, you dont even feel it. I ve been giving you over and over, but it was like something u dont even care or it was just passing through your sight and gone whereas i hope that you look more thoroughly. I can understand. However,  it is me, the girl who cant wait for too long and need some progress. I wonder why i cant be more patient about this.

So i ll be saying everything in here. You should know what i have been doing on that app. I thought i could find someone, because i cant find it around me so i tried online. I wasnt looking for friends, because i can get friends easily around. Why try so hard to find it online? And if it ever crossed your mind, have u ever wonder, why do i keep our contact? If it wasnt for digging you up, what else?

Damn it Clem.

I know I have been having this mood swing. My thoughts cant stop running.  And this song cant stop touching my heart and it always reminds me of you. No matter what you re doing now, ignoring me this way. I dont know what you want. Suddenly you just dissapear. I know i ve been lazy and bored too. I just get bored of  talking via social media. I need a progress. But it doesnt mean i want to stop talking. Even though we met online, it doesnt mean im not real. Im a human being. I have feelings. I can be ignorance sometimes. But right now, im thinking why . I ve ever said. You re not just some people. You re someone whom i ve ever had feelings for.

Do the other boys like this? I dont make friends good from reality.  I make friends online better. Does it mean all this time i ve been making friends is a fake friendship? or fake reality ? We cant meet face to face, that s the use of social media, to keep someone in touch. You re not trying to, not anymore.

You suck clem. You re a coward. Be grateful that i had feelings for you and you re playing with it. Damn it. This is just the remain

Goodbye. Hello

I felt nothing since u didn't talk to me. It was all of sudden. U said u were busy, but no matter how busy u were u always tried to contact me at least once a day.I know we never made it. I know i was rushing. I guess this is all because i have been single for years, and i live around friends who already have someone by their side. It s not just friends. everyday, everywhere, PDA, couples and i always wonder how it feels to have someone who actually loves you. It is weird. I never felt it. It looks like adding someone else to your life. Your life getting heavier but sometimes it is sweet. I have been borrowing my friends' ear to listen to my confusion about relationship. How can somebody living with someone else forever.

JC.I know you re a coward. Your words are sweet. It was great. But it was the same level as what i m thinking so, .. i realise i need someone more mature. Who thinks beyond what i think.

It is a Lucky Coincidence.

Meeting you through that game online? It is so funny i guess. I thought that game is only for junior high schoolers who are still confused about boyfriend/girlfriend stuffs, or for some grown ups who don't have other things to do beside playing online games, or for some gamers who are currently looking for their partner , or just gamers. For me, i'm just a bored person who is looking for someone new through the game with a hope that i can finally find someone i can have crush with, because i found none in my campus and i got super bored. I needed some new feelings.  

First thing to do was opening that online game, and find any room. With no single thought i got into one room where there are two people waiting for the girls to fill up the slots. That person whispered me. We started to know each other. He was a very good listener at first. He always remember to everything i ever told him. He cares about me. He ever woke me up at 3 because i was having an appointment at 4 a.m. I was surprised that he called me in that morning, with very calm voice. I'm sensitive to voices and i love warm voice. His voice is very warm and calming, compared to my own who always shouts. We talked via chat for two months until we finally meet face to face. 

After the meetup, I have a thought that, this is actually the first time i met person online face to face and i wasnt dissapointed. Even i think i actually fell in love with him, although i'm still searching for more facts about him. I want to see how he acts with his other friends, because i know he actually talks a lot with his close friends. Also i want to see how he acts towards his own parents. 

His talks are super good. It's not  mere advices, they are really helping. This is how i value a person, through their talks, their attitudes, their acts, etc and i felt no doubt on the day i met him, he is nearly perfect. 

Yes , i admit it now, i fell in love with him. I really had a lot to say, but we live apart from each other, and we cant do anything about it. I'm super glad. I'm really grateful that i met someone who's i ve known for two months and still there is no doubt.

After all the Moods ..

It has been two months since i knew him from the online game. We've been planning to meet up today, on this date, 20th Sept 2014. I ve been through so many thoughts about him and so many other thoughts about other guys. I'm super easy to be influenced. My mind is going round and round , and I ever had a thought about cancelling this meetup because i was having other thoughts about something else and i don't think this meet up is important anymore. But i ever had a super curiousity about meeting this guy, especially when i play the game and having chats with him. He always been so flirty that i couldnt believe him that he actually likes me just from the way we talk from social media.

So I will mention just the initial. He is C. C has a sad background of his family, but i know he is a great man from the way he talks to me about the story of his family. The most important is now he is struggling to make his parents proud of him. Ever since something bad happens to his family, he was kinda motivated to have a good score on his studies even though he was actually a lazy kind of person. He is super calm. He sings to me sometimes. The first time i heard his voice, it is super calm. Honestly, it calms my heart as well. Whenever im trying to sleep, i always listen to the recording of his voice. When i was having a mentor job, I needed to wake up at 3. He called me so that he could wake me up. Listening to his voice in the morning feels like the day will be good. Compared to my own voice who 's always seems excited, he really talks super calm. When i had a rough day and i told him that i may not be able to do it, he is really trying to say that i can actually do it. He tried to be the one i want to be with. But everything i considered him as being flirty. Nothing so serious.

The day came, today is 20th Sept 2014, and last night i was having night out after my cousin's wedding party. It was the first time i went to a club and i was reaaaaaally excited. I met some of my cousin's friends and we were drinking and dancing. In the morning i had a thought about some of the guys i met at the club. I thought it was a crush and i have moved on. I wanted to cancel the meetup, and i was scared of my family dissapprove of him.  I tried to warn him about the rain, and i thought i wouldnt be able to meet him 

But that thoughts and temptations dissappeared after he actually came all the way, with that one hour journey in his motorcycles. He actually came and joined all of my family. I introduced him to everyone i met, because im going with a big family from my dad and my mom's , even my grandparents are here. It's weird i know, this is the first time we met and I already introduced him to the whole family. Actually i really want to give him a moment of a big family, since he hasnt got one since that happened. All went good. First he came and i already brought him to the room, to sit and eat some snacks, had a little talk with my brother who is the most talkative and welcome among the other family members. But everytime introduced him to anybody in here, it all just went well. The only thing funny is he is REALLY NERVOUS. He always seems panic. I saw his movement it is really seen that he is uncomfortable. He is scared. I havent known the feeling yet, but this is the feeling of meeting someone for the first time not only meeting her, but the whole big family. We had a karaoke with my brother, we sang together, because that's what he wanted, to have a duet with me. Then we had a dinner, again, together with my aunts and uncles, my bro, and everyone. He fits in though. After dinner he played the billiard with my dad, bro and uncle. Everything went very well. But what i m actually thinking now, tomorrow there will be thousand questions asked from the family to me. The only one i can be honest to is my brother, because he is the one most understanding. Before he went home, i thought he was going to confess, but it was just a hope. It didnt happen, im not dissapointed because there is this single feeling came out after i kissed his cheek. This is a debt that i ve promised him. I felt like, warm. I felt warm around him, and i wish i can meet him again someday. 

There are so many things i want to do, but since we are no one to each other, we re just friends, i just have no rights to do all those stuffs, especially there are the whole family in here. I want to hold his hands. I want to hug him. I want to say that i love him. I want to take care of him. I just can't say them yet. I dont want to be aggressive anymore. So now what? I dont know yet. 

The New Start after Two Years

So today I had a talk with my lecturer about how to make a real composition. Honestly I ve been stuck for a month in making a composition . Because of the disagreement of the Judges in my upper divisional juries which i have failed made me scared to create the new one. Im afraid i do wrong in front of them again. I agreed that the weakness of musicians is the fear of critiques. That happens to me, made me mentally unstable for a while.

My lecturer said, "You have to raise your sensibility." which means releasing all the emotions you feel, do not ever suppressing it. That s what i do. Whenever i feel sick, pain,  getting hurt because of somebody, what i do us supressing the emotions, turn it to a logical explanations. Great. Now i have to throw away what i ve been training all these years? or i can balance it instead? 

Being sensible means trying sth new. Feeling it. Don't be afraid to go beyond. The limit is on my parents. Even I ever wrote about myself being imprisoned by those disallowance. My parents just cant understand, especially my mom. She can't just understand at all, and keep thinking that she is the one who s right. But i know both my parents are supporting me. They want the best for me. They just dont understand yet.

It doesnt work in music major, That kind of teaching by my parents. I have to struggle. I have to keep some secret for myself, that i hope eventually will make my parents proud. 

What to do to keep improving, my lecturer gave me one week challenge that i ve missed half of it because I went to my hometown for a wedding, i have to spend 1 hour sitting and try to write something. A music. Its for self discipline and sensibility of feeling something on myself. After that I have to spend another 1 hour doing whatever i want. That is for freeing myself but i have to choose only one task to do in that 1 hour.  Next week he ll be teaching me Vipisana, to increase the sensibility by feeling every detail if i ve improved on my composition making. 

This challenge i have to be able to do it. Suppressing the laziness is another challenge for me.

The Intro is on Me

Im 20 yrs old girl currently studying music composition in a university which is not actually professional enough in opening this music faculty especially on the organizing of the curriculum. I was a science student in high school . I was really crazy about it but i guess my mind is not suitable dor memorizing and understanding all the formulas and those scientific names, so my dad and I decided to put me into music major as I have learned piano for over 8 years. 

When i was in high school, I had a group of friends named Everlasting Friends, which i still have some of them now. The happiness of being friends with them made me to create a composition titled "Everlasting Memories" . That became the start of the whole journey of my composition studies.